So here we are- the moment where the feelings are overwhelming you, your eyes are brimmed with tears, and you don’t care anymore. You’ve decided you want to end your life and may be trying to find ways to do it. If you’re reading this, it means someone either sent this to you or it popped up in your Google search.. Either way, you coming across this was meant to be. I’ve had suicidal ideation– and it’s no joke. As you know, there are levels to it. You may have started out with fleeting thoughts, then feeling of wanting the things (whatever has been happening) to end, then the feeling of hopelessness, then feelings of not wanting to be here, deciding you want to die, then thinking of how you can do it, and lastly: making your plan.

So many of us end up dying because it seems everyone’s afraid to talk about this- and understandably so, people can literally have you institutionalized- but it is incredibly important to normalize this conversation and that of mental health. Do not be ashamed because you had or have suicidal ideation and do not be ashamed if you have made a suicide attempt. Things can get hard and unbearable sometimes and only you know how much is too much. You deserve to be able to talk about that without the fear of someone coming to take your children or to come and institutionalize you.

So, before you read any further, know that you are seen, heard, and understood. Now that you know that, here’s what you’re gonna wanna do when the pain is too much to bear and you feel like you want to commit suicide.

1. Let it out- everything that you’re feeling

If you keep all that stuff inside of you, you could explode. Learning how to beat the prison guard of our mind and break free is the ninja trick that’s gonna help us vocalize how you’re feeling and why. Being able to say the words, regardless of if you feel you have anyone to tell, is important. Let’s be honest, there are some people that have hurt us. We have things we want to say to them that we may not be able to, and some of us will bottle that up inside until we are triggered again. We need to release those feelings.

The hatred, shame, guilt, hurt, fear, betrayal, abandonment, anger, disappointment- all of it. We need to vocalize those feelings and express them. Some people like to write out everything that happened, and how they felt about it, in a letter and address it to the person that made them feel that way. Some people write notes, put them in balloons, and watch the balloon float to the sky- others bury it in the ground.

If you’re feeling suicidal right this moment, the last thing you may want to do is tell someone how you’re feeling about everything. They could end up saying the wrong thing, or they may not understand you, judge you, make matters worse or better yet, no one answered the phone.

So right now, we’re going to focus on things you can do to make sure you’re okay. If that involves calling a friend or family member that you know will show up for you, great. If that means some mode of therapy, great. But if that means you just being able to say or write the things you wish someone was around for you to tell it to, that’s also great.

You need a release. Most suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, and suicides that were committed partially stemmed from needing a release.

2. Watch how much you drink

When we aren’t feeling so great, it’s tempting to rely on external stimulants to try to make us feel better. Some may drink, be more promiscuous with their body and money, or do drugs. But remember, those things are numbing the side effects of the issue, not the issue itself. And we oftentimes feel worse afterwards because it didn’t ‘do the trick’.

Alcohol is a depressant- remember that. And all the other things that we do to try to make the feeling go away- that don’t work- add to the problem, not fix it.

So let’s do the work.

3. Pinpoint what’s been triggering you

What happened? Where and when did things start going left? Are you able to control how this affects you? Example: “I was already feeling a bit off because it’s a pandemic and money has been tight. The government has ordered another lockdown, I just found out my kid is self-harming, my marriage is just a piece of paper, I don’t have any real friends, I’ve been binge-watching a show full of drama, negativity, and scandal, I’ve gained weight and don’t feel sexy, and I don’t even know why I’m here anymore. What is the purpose of life and why am I here? Nothing is happening for me. I just exist.”

Those statements above sound pretty normal, right? We all have things in our life that aren’t super spectacular and most of us can manage that. It’s not until something happens that opens the doorway for us to notice all of the lack in our lives. So, what’s happened? What ‘started it’?

Was the breakup okay until you ended up seeing them with someone you know? Was the job loss okay until you kept getting interviews but no callbacks for the job? Was starting your own business okay until you started feeling like a failure because you haven’t made any real profit yet? What event opened the floodgates?

4. Get the answer to these questions

When did you stop being okay? I know it’s a lot of questions, but I’m teaching you how to save yourself. You need to know the answer to these questions in order to form a plan so that the next time something happens that could potentially send you down this path again, you won’t get nearly this close to completion.

What would stop you from doing this? Think of all the reasons. Because you don’t have the means, don’t want to feel the pain, ‘mess it up’, end up remaining alive but now with some sort of impairment, or because you don’t really want to die?

Would you stop if you had some kind of hope restored? What would you need to feel again in order to be okay?

5. Try one more thing

I know once you’ve made the decision, it’s pretty much a done deal, but I want you to try one more thing today. Where (positive) can you go to get the feeling you need in order to be okay enough not to be suicidal anymore? Is it to the fridge? The Gym? The park? A YouTube video? Your favorite playlist? A show?

What emotion would you need to feel in order for you to no longer have suicidal ideation? Loved? Relieved? Hopeful? Protected? How can you go about getting it- and think internally as much as you can?

My goal is to help you find the tools you need within yourself, because someone or something might not always be available, and it is on us to keep things together long enough to be able to go and get the help that we need.

You are worthy of love, light and respect. You are worthy of feeling safe, loved, and cherished. You are worthy of feeling special and significant. It’s going to be hard work, but I need you to ferociously protect yourself and guard your mental health. We can only get here so many more times before we actually to do the deed and successfully commit suicide.

My Final Thoughts

If you’ve made it through 1,255 words of me talking, then this is the task I have for you: find a support group. If you do not see one that works for you, create one. Find two or three people that are your people. Start cutting out the people that do not make you feel great about yourself. Cut the bad habits you have that lead down to this road. Cut off the people and all other activities that could lead you back down this path. Right now, it’s them or you, and I choose you. Do the same.

Create a ‘For My Mental Health’ journal and write down all the positive things that make you feel powerful, good, smart, successful, happy, loved, desirable, protected, or any other adjective you are looking to feel. Write these things down and keep them in your arsenal. You are going to indulge in a number of these things on a daily basis so that you don’t come this close to committing suicide again.

Find three people who create motivational/inspirational content and follow them or subscribe to their services- make sure you get on their email list or turn on the notifications for their videos.

Find 2 people that create affirmational content that you like and subscribe to their services, get on their email list, or turn on the notifications for when their content is released.

Do these things to save yourself one day at a time. Do them even when you think you are okay. And if you find yourself here again and nothing is working, feel free to find me on the web, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, or call someone to come over so that they can help you. But up until that point, keep fighting like hell to protect yourself from getting here or past this point. We’ve got a choice to make. Only one thing can live: ‘all the effed up things that have happened’ or “you”. Choose you, babe. Your story gets so much better.